I haven’t cried since the day I walked out of your house. Until today. I thought if I ignored it all that it would just go away. But I was so very wrong. I can’t quit loving you. It’s definitely not the same. I love the old you and the good memories. And today you brought them back. I hate you for that. How could you make me choose? How could you remind me that they won’t have you? I blocked that out and you brought it back. You don’t even have the burden of explaining to them all that has happened. I have that! You have your happiness with that filthy piece of dirt. I want my own happiness. I want my children’s happiness. I don’t want your damn money. I want you to go away and quit making our lives worse.
But you’ve made me want it to all go away today. Everyone and everything. I only want me and my babies. Far away from anyone that can hurt us. Because what if they’re all like you?
Dear Lord, being a single mother is a lot harder now than it was with a newborn. I really need some help. Everything is going so wrong. I’m having not one- but TWO babies out of wedlock. I don’t even have a permanent home yet. I can’t get a job until I know where I’m living. My baby needs the rest of his clothes because the ones I have barely fit.. But I can’t get them until I have a house. And how will I support two babies with one job? I’ll have to have 2 jobs and that means I’ll never see them. God…. I really need help. I need a miracle. I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind every day and I’m second guessing everything I’ve done.
You see, I wasted an awful lot of time on you. And it pisses me off that the day after we split up this time- you were already with her. You had her waiting at the palm of your hand. I knew it and I told you I did. I told you that all you had to do was tell her we were done and she’d come crawling back. Any smart woman would when carrying a man’s baby. Except this time was different for us. We had just found out that we were expecting again. Not something we wanted this soon, but you seemed happy. Even happier than I. But you got extremely violent soon after. I didn’t tell anyone; not even my mother or my best friend. And I tell him everything. But I was too embarrassed. And I knew they would all tell me to leave and never look back. But how could I with our son and another soon to arrive? A single mother at 17 with 2 children. Where would I go? How would I support them and nurture them both on my own? I couldn’t. But when you hurt my baby- AND WITH NO REMORSE- your chances are over. I’m done.
Which, of course, I start resenting the little thing growing inside me. Asking “Why did you have to come now? We took extra EXTRA steps this time to prevent this!” I’m mad because I’ll have to do it alone. Mad because you never really loved me and I let you trick me and abuse me and MY son. Upset because this new baby will be taking away precious time that I need with my son to help him learn to walk, and talk, and use the potty like a big boy. His milestones will be pushed back now that I’ll have 2 in diapers with bottles. How will I do this? But I realized tonight it’s not my precious growing angel that I hate. It’s you. Because just like those TV women say in the delivery room: “You did this to me.” You KNEW for a fact that I was pregnant this time. And you were even worse than before. Nothing I could have ever said would make me deserve you putting your hands on me like that. And especially hurting my poor innocent son. But you had to make sure that your family thought you did nothing wrong. So who does that leave me with to support me? You have everyone on your side. And once again, you have walked out shortly after you found out we were having a child together. You stuck around with her because she was pregnant and you felt guilty after doing that to me. But it’s okay to do it to me again, isn’t it? Because our children together don’t mean shit to you,. It’s just a mistake you wished would have never happened. You even told me if it wasn’t for Gabriel that we would have never been together again. Isn’t that some shit. So, now I’ll be a single mother of 2 children. Trying to finish school, find a job, and get a house of our own. All without you being there because you’re THAT selfish, aren’t you dear? You must always have your way.
I left a very good man for you. He loved me more than anything in this world. We were aliens in this crowd of people. And I will forever go on living my life believing that no one will ever understand us the way we understand us. I should have held onto him so tight. Finished school and moved in together; just like we planned. No children. At least not for a while. We wanted to be free and travel and be crazy. It was exciting. But I threw that away for you. And I will forever regret that. Don’t get me wrong- I love my children. But I could have had so much more with him. Love, compassion, excitement, endless conversation, romance, caring and sensitivity. Openness. Adventure. Loyalty. The list goes on… Naming everything that you are not and will never be. I hope I have enough sense to never go back. Because my children and I deserve better. I hate how hard things are getting. And without my babies I would have killed myself by now. No doubt.
But “They say that the best blaze burns brightest, when circumstances are at their worst.”